Wednesday 31 March 2010

Dulwich Hamlet*

Act I Scene I


SCENE: The Castle, Crystal Palace Road. The local undertaker and his companions are at the bar talking about Kevin.

Enter Rosen Krantz, in finest fettle.


RK: Alas poor Kevin, I know him, Hora-a-atishoo

But what’s wrong with him is hard to aa-tishoo

(Sniffs) Excuse me…


This troubled Prince of Denmark Hill

Is really going through the mill.

(Blows nose)


Born one stop short of Peckham Rye,

He was the apple of his mother’s aa-aa-tishoo

Christ’s wounds! (Blows nose again)


(Aside, with a darkened look) An allergy has by the winds been blown my way,

A summer gift from Rye Common’s hay,

By the son of York made gay and golden

Against this Castle’s forbidding grey.


(Approaching Undertaker and his companions at the bar)

Head we now toward a winter of discontent

With our book-nosed Kevin blindfold and headbent?


Undertaker (bringing spade down heavily on bar):

By all the harvest hay that’s nonnie-no

The ingrate dungmonger even denies Ophelia’s trow.

If our Queenie were not so embosomed by her tiresome whelp

Her new husband might better be inclined to help.


RK: Impotence has infected all their wedded joy

And daily they wonder what shall befall the boy.

A sleepless tempest scours out his skull, enraging his softening brain.

It has been this way e’er since his father – his new father’s brother – was slain aa-tishoo

Ah, me!

aa-tishoo (Wipes nose and blows noisily)


Undertaker: Sire, I prithee control your wild, contagious sneeze

Ere its engerm-ed particles bring this rotten state to its knees.

And though I never speak ill of the dead

I fear my timeless business may have a busy time ahead.


RK: I beg forgiveness, please, your point is well taken…atishoo, aa-a-atishoo


Undertaker: Indeed my pint is well taken and, taken well, stands empty; it’s kind of you to say,

And as it please you, sire, me and my fond companions here are all drinking IPA.


RK (Sneezes violently, collapses on floor and expires)


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* Latest result: Dulwich Hamlet FC 1: Chipsted 1

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